God bless me and those like me.

One of the few benefits of travelling the 405 through the Sepulveda pass each day is that the stop & go trip affords me the opportunity to do some people watching. I’ve been making this commute for over 12 years and I’ve seen just about every type of behavior you can imagine. And I’ve seen just about every bumper sticker under the sun. Some of my favorites are:

Ray guns don't kill Zerbonians,
Zerbonians kill Zerbonians.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings,".

Indians had bad immigration laws.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Bambi makes cute sandwiches.

And then there are those that drive me crazy and make me wish that my truck was equipped with a .50 caliber mini-gun:

"My child is a Super Student at Hootenanny Elementary!" - I suppose they had to make these because the underachievers need to feel good about themselves the way the Honor Students do. But is this what the country needs, another celebration of mediocrity?

"One day at a time" - Really, what is the purpose of this? If you’re going to advertise the fact that you're a drunk, do so only if you’re an active drunk. That way I’ll I know to give you a wide berth.

"It will be a great day when the military has to have a bake sale and the schools..." - These are usually driven by some Berkeley-educated battle-ax in a Volvo. I could go on here, but I won’t.

"The road to hell is paved with Republicans." - I thought those godless liberals didn’t believe in hell?

And the one that jumps up and down on my last nerve:

"Jesus is my co-pilot." – I can’t say for certain why this drives me crazy. It just seems so, "Jesus is my boyfriend!!" that it makes me want to ram them with my truck and push them over the side of the freeway. Listen, if Jesus were really your co-pilot, I think He’d tell you to get out of the fast lane if you’re going to do 50mph. And He’d probably draw attention to the fact that you’ve been driving the last 4 miles with your left turn signal flashing. I happen to know Jesus and He told me that you should take the bus whenever I’m on the road. The other day I saw an obvious jab at the above-mentioned sticker and it made me laugh. I felt guilty laughing, but I did anyway:

Jesus was my co-pilot... Then we crash landed in the mountains and I had to eat him.