Elevator confessions

The building in which my office is located probably has the slowest elevators in all of the state. They’re so slow that I actually would sometimes prefer to take the stairs to my 7th floor office (I’m saved from this awful fate by the fact that the fire exit stairwell doors are locked from the parking garage). Anyway, the long wait oftentimes allows me to eavesdrop on some interesting conversations. Like this morning. A large woman on a cellphone was having a conversation with her friend and it went something like this:

The judge said we gotta go to these stupid parenting classes for bad parents or he’ll violate us and we’ll both go back to county. Darius’s mom is watching DJ & Lawanda while we go and she’s like, “you better be makin’ some food before you go ‘cuz I ain’t cookin’ for them kids and I wanna eat too,” so I took a pot roast outta the fridge but the dog got ahold of it when I wasn’t lookin’.

pause

Naw, I wrestled it away from him but he already ate part of it.

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Hell no, that thing cost a lotta money!

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I don’t care if that mean ol’ woman gets sick eatin’ it, she deserves it. She should get sick & die!

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Oh yeah, I didn’t think about them kids.

Yahoooo!!

A week or two ago my sister and her husband sprung the news that Jack & Joe are going to have a cousin. There was much laughing, hugging, handshaking & backslapping at the news. They really are in love and I just know this baby will be a blessing to them. They’re going to be great parents. This is extra special to me because this will be "my" first nephew/niece. I got a ton of them by marrying Donna but there's something cool about having one from your own blood. Anyway, Melissa went for her first ultrasound a day or so ago. Here’s the photo:
I was amazed at the development of the little fellar even at this early stage. The transformation from a glob of baby batter & an egg to a real person living in my sister’s belly in just a few short weeks is, in my humble opinion, one of God’s greatest miracles. I can’t wait for this little guy or gal to be born. I’m sure he/she will be handsome/beautiful. However, I do believe that he currently bears a striking resemblance to “Plankton” of Spongebob Squarepants fame (Melissa if you’re reading this and are unfamiliar with Spongebob, stay tuned – you’ll soon be humming, “he lives in a pineapple under the sea…” while in the shower). Also, looking again at the ultrasound picture it appears that my sister has a freakishly large womb. Seriously, that thing is like the penthouse suite of wombs. She could easily fit another 3 or 4 kids in there. That was very considerate of my sister to provide such spacious living quarters for her child. Already thinking about the kid and it hasn’t even been born yet. Didn’t I tell you they’ll be great parents?

Congrats to Mike & Melissa! You are so blessed and we’re so happy for you!

Till death do us part

Note: names in the following entry have been changed to protect the identities of the parties.

Last week I got a voicemail from a client of mine. I’ve been preparing tax returns for Elvis & Ginger for seven years or so. They were friends before they were clients. Not the kind of friends that we hang out with a lot because schedules and geographical challenges make it too difficult, but we see them at events and keep in touch with them through family. They’re the kind of friends that you don’t see for awhile and then, after seeing them, walk away and think, “Man, it’s been way too long. We’ve got to hook up with them more often.” So last week Ginger called and left me a voicemail that she would appreciate it if I could fax her a copy of her return. She’s got some student loans she’s wanted to refinance for awhile and I figured that was the impetus of her call. We exchanged a couple voicemails but finally connected. Usually Ginger has a bounce in her voice but this time it was conspicuously absent. I told her I’d emailed a copy of her return to her. She was appreciative and then paused. I asked, “So how’s everything?” “Well…. Elvis and I are going to be separating.” And when she said, “going to be separating” it just didn’t have the vibe like it was temporary. It had a permanent tone to it. I felt like I’d been sucker-punched. Elvis and Ginger always seemed like the couple that would go the distance. My heart breaks for them and their family. After considering the whole mess for awhile, I realized that I needed to advise both of them (as their cpa) that if I provide info to one of them, I need to advise the other what info I’d given and when I’d given it (it’s required by our malpractice insurance). I called Elvis but got his voicemail so I left a message. “Hey Elvis, I spoke to Ginger and she told me you’re going to be separating. She requested a copy of your 2004 return and I’ve provided it to her. FYI - if I ever provide info to one party, I’ll be notifying the other. Hope you guys are able to reconcile. I’ll be praying for you.” A short while later, I began to wonder… did Elvis just find out from his beancounter that his wife is giving him the sack? Whether he did or not, 2006 is not starting off well for him.