Please wait outside while we sacrifice your character on the altar of self-preservation.

Words fail me.

What a day.

In spite of making mistakes that would probably put most kids in therapy for decades, my two little guys think I hung the moon. I love being a daddy. If only I could be half the man they think I am.

Insert foreboding music here.

I usually have little trouble falling asleep. On the contrary, it’s usually staying awake that I find difficult. But here I sit at 2:30 a.m. exhausted and yet unable to find any rest. My mind feels like New York City at rush hour.

I worry about the chaos brewing in our church. I’m saddened over the lives that are being crushed, pastors and laypeople who have devoted their lives to serving. And there’s one casualty in particular that I learned of today that especially grieves me, a woman who has dedicated herself to loving the children of that church like her own. And her husband who stands by her side without a single gripe about the incredible workload that she shoulders, often sacrificing their limited family time to carry out her duties.

I worry about my mom, a two-time cancer survivor, who works for what may be the world’s biggest collection of jerkoffs. I worry about the agony they are putting her through and wonder if she will be weakened to the point that she has a relapse.

I worry about my workload – audit deadlines, tax filings, tax planning. Where I will find the time and energy to complete these projects is beyond me.

I worry about my son, who has recently developed a separation anxiety. A little boy who has always had a confidence and boldness that inspires me but now begs me to stay home with him every day. And I wonder if all the above has changed me so much that my son sees me, and is now fretting over me.

Matthew 11:29-30 – “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Can somebody help me put this yoke on?

Here fishy, fishy...

We (Donna, Jack & Joe, Mema, and I) drove down to San Diego after church on Sunday. My better half got us a Travel Agent “deal” on a room at the San Diego Best Western. If you haven’t stayed there, save yourself some misery and don’t. Spend a few dollars more for a bed that doesn’t implode when you lie in it, a room that doesn’t reek of Pine-Sol & hogfarts, and a location that doesn’t make you feel as if your bed is actually in the middle of the busy street instead of just next to it.

We arrived Sunday afternoon and decided to spend a little time at SeaWorld (since we got “twofer” tickets allowing us to visit two days in a row). We saw the dolphin show and the animal show (who knew that cats can be trained and that it’s actually somewhat entertaining to watch them?). We petted stingrays and starfish. It was fun. Around 5:00 or so we headed down to Seaport Village. We stopped for fish&chips at an outdoor restaurant. The food was pretty good but Joe kept freaking because there were pigeons congregating around his feet. They probably would have gone away if he had stopped dropping french fries. That night was one of the most sleepless (sleeplessest?) nights we’ve ever had. Around 2:30 a.m., Donna hopped out of bed and ran to the window. A car alarm was wailing away and she said, “My alarm is going off, someone’s breaking into my car!” She pressed the remote on her keychain a few times and then it stopped. I finally rolled out of bed and looked out the window. Nothing. We got back into bed and the alarm started up again. I sprang out of bed (quite a sight, I’m sure) and ran to the window to find that the alarm on a car far across the parking lot had been tripped. I fell back in bed, all wired at the thought that I was going to have to get messy with a creep trying to steal my kids’ DVD player. My wife had little trouble falling back asleep (as evidenced by her enthusiastic snoring). It was about that time that I remembered my wife doesn’t even have an alarm on her mini-van. I considered strangling her in her sleep with the lamp cord but I was too tired so I just went back to sleep.

The next morning brought blue skies, sunshine, and perfect weather. We hit SeaWorld as it opened and took in a few shows. The Shamu “Believe” show which they’re making such a big deal about on the commercials was “meh”.A large part of the show consists of those marine biologist nerds nattering about how they’re “living the dream” and all that pap. Then they “randomly” choose some 8 year old girl out of the audience and ask her what she wants to be when she grows up. Of course she wants to be a “whale trainer” and most of the crowd “aaaaahhhhh”s over her (except for the cynics like me who quietly throw up into their $9 Shamu souvenir cups).
After the Shamu show we took in SeaWorld’s version of Cirque de Soleil (and I probably didn’t spell that right but I don’t care because it’s really just a bunch of muscle-bound fairies hanging from wires with a little bit of slapstick comedy thrown in). My kids thought it was hilarious, though, and I got a kick out of watching them watch the show. And then there was the ring-trapeze girl who, with very little effort, could absolutely ruin my life. Lordy, the things that woman could do. I… just… oh forget it, you wouldn’t believe me and I’d only embarrass myself trying to convince you. We then saw the Haunted something or other, I don’t recall exactly what the name is but it was a fun 4-D experience. I was even spit upon by a catfish. Which has never happened to me before so I enjoyed it.

We took in the seal & walrus & otter show. Very cute, the girls that put on the show seemed to really enjoy themselves. Lots of laughs. It was getting toward time to leave so we headed for the gate. We noticed that “Journey to Atlantis” (the park’s only water/rollercoaster ride) was back in action and Joe begged us to ride it. So Donna & I took the boys while Mema waited patiently. It was a blast and the car hadn’t even stopped when Jack & Joe started hollering, “We want to go again!”. When we stepped out of the exit Mema saw the smiles on our faces and started waving us to go back for another ride. What a great grandma. The second ride was even better. And wetter, thanks to some jackhole that paid an extra $.25 to blast us with a shot of water. The boys wanted to go a third time but the line had more than tripled so we called it a day and drove home. I enjoyed the time talking to my mom about work, church, life. I laid down in bed last night and replayed the past 2 days in my mind. I truly am blessed!

The Village People, the early years...

Finally, a doctor with some common sense

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!